awash

for years i have been crying. i've let tears undo me. the light like this the words like this and tears so suddenly and fierce. all water and salt and familiar. like scratching a mosquito bite. so satisfying for a few moments. a relief, a reward. wear me out and do me in. i think i'll give them up this fall. not forever not for always, but for awhile give them a rest. they are just the surface scratch and the itch is so much deeper. water is not the cure, but breath and fire and bravery. i have become accustomed to crying and now i let the custom fall away. i find a new tradition. some deeper ceremony. no more weeping into the dark. i bring our bed back to neutral make the shower safe. make the spaces we share sacred and intimate and lean toward joy. i lead away from the shore of infinite sadness. i abandon the boat on the beach and walk away from the water towards the wind and the horizon.